Thursday, March 20, 2014

It's bound to be in the last place they look

The things you find down the back of my sofa if you look hard enough!

PS - I really am struggling with writer's block at the mo - sorry. Confidence is a tricky bugger to master.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Because TV can just occasionally not be like real life

Happy New Year all – yes I know I’m a little late saying that but it’s still January so it counts!

So … I’ve had an interesting week…

Unfortunately, all of the funny things that have happened I can’t tell you about, as I’ve been interviewing people for jobs and it is simply not appropriate to discuss it, meanwhile the very sad thing that has happened I’ll also not be discussing either, because it is private.

That doesn’t leave me much, does it?

Or does it?

One thing that never fails to interest me is the disparity between how things appear on TV and how they are in real life. This week I’ve been party to a full and entirely crushing demonstration of that concept.

Anybody remember Ali McBeal?

This is the 1990’s program that introduced us all to the ultra-modern concept of the unisex toilet. Remember that? How glamorous and grown up it seemed to be so free and comfortable between genders.

This is how life should be, this level of equality and understanding. This is how people should behave, we thought. This – we decided - is the future.

So here I find myself now, many years later, living in the future I imagined.

The conference centre, in which we have been holding the assessments for our applicants, had everything you could ask for; lovely gardens, nice big rooms, tea, coffee, catering AND unisex toilets. I’ve arrived in my own future, I decided.

Except the toilets weren’t glamorous at all. They were just toilets with no urinals in. Don’t even ask me about the bizarre bins in the cubicles – what the hell are they even for?

The lack of stainless steel plushness, however, was nothing compared to the reality of what happened next.

Ladies, I’m sure, probably aren’t all that different to men when it comes to their toiletry needs. At the end of the day I suspect the two main reasons we men have for visiting these places don’t actually change much as you cross the gender divide – I’m fairly well decided on this point. With this in mind I’m relatively confident that it’s not only men that do what I’m about to talk about – but just in case I’m wrong, Ladies, you might want to skip to the bottom of the page where there’s a nice photo of my Son’s prize winning entry into his School’s Christmas bake-off, entitled “ A Cake in a Manger”

For those determined to stick it out, I can only say that you have been warned…

I don’t know about you guys, but if there’s one thing I really enjoy it’s venting off a little pressure while I’m stood having a pee. It’s all part of the experience, as far as I’m concerned. A Urinal Fart is one of life’s truly free pleasures. It is a habit that I absolutely have no intention of ever declining myself.

And so I stood locked inside a cubical with a lifted seat, reliving my bladder and the pent-up gasses that had been repressed so heavily while conducting the interviews.

This was no ordinary fart, Ladies and Gentlemen; it was a truly awesome wall shaker. A proper and unmistakably manly, bloke-fart. And it went on for a while.

Sometime later, as the last echoes were fading away, I heard a shuffle and what I can only describe as an ‘extremely-female-reaction-to-a-fart” sound, coming from the next cubicle.

Somebody, it appeared, was not entirely enjoying her TV lifestyle.

I lost it. I was literally shaking with stifled giggles, which wasn’t entirely a good thing, considering what I was still busy doing at that point. I finished up, washed up and got out of there as fast as I could before allowing myself to laugh out loud in the hallway.

I think, perhaps, that I’m not ready for the future – I suspect I’m more of a present-day kind of guy (at best). I’m more than happy to stay where I belong – in the Gents.

The Television had let me down again. Living the dream is simply not all it’s made out to be.

Enjoy the cakes ….

A Cake in a Manger - By Jamie, 9

Friday, December 13, 2013

If you are going to bluff - always bluff big

I just realised how long it is since I posted! Time flies by so fast when you share it between your work, your lovely wife and your kids, doesn't it – blink and you miss it, folks!

What I couldn't do though, was NOT comment on the signing for the deaf guy at Nelson Mandela’s memorial.


I personally think that this has to be one of the funniest things to happen since BBC News show mistakenly interviewed that taxi driver about a court case between Apple and the Apple music label. Seriously, if you have never heard about that check it out – the guy was there for a job interview and wound up getting rushed in to answer questions live on TV – priceless!

But now we have gone one better. Now we have taken George Bush’s Spoonerisms and raised the stakes to all time high.

Live on TV’s all over the world, standing next to some of the most important people in the world, and in tribute to a man who helped to change the world – one man – one absolute nut-case of a man – stood there and talked complete gibberish.

His signing followed no known language and had absolutely no relevance to the words being spoken. He just stood there making it up as he went along – without the slightest ounce of shame.

FANTASTIC! – I literally can’t stop laughing about it.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m aware of how big a deal this is. How important the whole event was and why those who needed to watch this man will be upset – of course I do. It is an appalling thing to have happened and highlights how much of a fight the disabled still have to be taken seriously. Even in this day and age, and on an event as important as this, nobody took the deaf people’s needs serious enough to check this guy’s credentials. He is now claiming that he actually had some kind of schizophrenic breakdown and as high level a Governmental embarrassment as this is, I wouldn't be surprised if he winds up having some kind of proof for this condition as well. Call me a cynic if you must, but what a load of bull. Even if it’s true, I believe he had previously been used for important events and pulled up on his lack of ability, yet still the organisers never worried about this for such an important event.

This aspect is serious and very, very wrong.

But bloody funny.

You just imagine folk looking at their TV in disbelief as Barak Obama appears to announce that “Lassie was really a girl dog and ate pink bubblegum in a bra”

And he did it all, absolutely poker faced – the biggest give-away of them all when it comes to sign language.

They really should have used Justin – now there’s someone who can talk to the Deaf.

Next week I will be applying for a job as a Governmental French translator – I have, after all, been to France.