Happy New Year all – yes I know I’m a
little late saying that but it’s still January so it counts!
So … I’ve had an interesting week…
Unfortunately, all of the funny things that have happened I
can’t tell you about, as I’ve been interviewing people for jobs and it is
simply not appropriate to discuss it, meanwhile the very sad thing that has
happened I’ll also not be discussing either, because it is private.
That doesn’t leave me much, does it?
Or does it?
One thing that never fails to interest me is the disparity
between how things appear on TV and how they are in real life. This week I’ve
been party to a full and entirely crushing demonstration of that concept.
Anybody remember Ali McBeal?
This is the 1990’s program that introduced us all to the ultra-modern
concept of the unisex toilet. Remember that? How glamorous and grown up it
seemed to be so free and comfortable between genders.
This is how life should be, this level of equality and
understanding. This is how people should behave, we thought. This – we decided
- is the future.
So here I find myself now, many years later, living in the
future I imagined.
The conference centre, in which we have been holding the assessments
for our applicants, had everything you could ask for; lovely gardens, nice big
rooms, tea, coffee, catering AND unisex toilets. I’ve arrived in my own future,
Except the toilets weren’t glamorous at all. They were just
toilets with no urinals in. Don’t even ask me about the bizarre bins in the cubicles
– what the hell are they even for?
The lack of stainless steel plushness, however, was nothing
compared to the reality of what happened next.
Ladies, I’m sure, probably aren’t all that different to men
when it comes to their toiletry needs. At the end of the day I suspect the two
main reasons we men have for visiting these places don’t actually change much
as you cross the gender divide – I’m fairly well decided on this point. With
this in mind I’m relatively confident that it’s not only men that do what I’m
about to talk about – but just in case I’m wrong, Ladies, you might want to skip to
the bottom of the page where there’s a nice photo of my Son’s prize winning
entry into his School’s Christmas bake-off, entitled “ A Cake in a Manger”
For those determined to stick it out, I can only say that
you have been warned…
I don’t know about you guys, but if there’s one thing I
really enjoy it’s venting off a little pressure while I’m stood having a pee.
It’s all part of the experience, as far as I’m concerned. A Urinal Fart is one
of life’s truly free pleasures. It is a habit that I absolutely have no
intention of ever declining myself.
And so I stood locked inside a cubical with a lifted seat,
reliving my bladder and the pent-up gasses that had been repressed so heavily
while conducting the interviews.
This was no ordinary fart, Ladies and Gentlemen; it was a truly
awesome wall shaker. A proper and unmistakably manly, bloke-fart. And it went
on for a while.
Sometime later, as the last echoes were fading away, I heard
a shuffle and what I can only describe as an ‘extremely-female-reaction-to-a-fart”
sound, coming from the next cubicle.
Somebody, it appeared, was not entirely enjoying her TV
I lost it. I was literally shaking with stifled giggles,
which wasn’t entirely a good thing, considering what I was still busy doing at
that point. I finished up, washed up and got out of there as fast as I could
before allowing myself to laugh out loud in the hallway.
I think, perhaps, that I’m not ready for the future – I suspect
I’m more of a present-day kind of guy (at best). I’m more than happy to stay
where I belong – in the Gents.
The Television had let me down again. Living the dream is
simply not all it’s made out to be.
I just realised how long it is since I
posted! Time flies by so fast when you share it between your work, your lovely
wife and your kids, doesn't it – blink and you miss it, folks!
What I couldn't do though, was NOT comment on the signing
for the deaf guy at Nelson Mandela’s memorial.
I personally think that this has to be one of the funniest
things to happen since BBC News show mistakenly interviewed that taxi driver
about a court case between Apple and the Apple music label. Seriously, if you
have never heard about that check it out – the guy was there for a job
interview and wound up getting rushed in to answer questions live on TV –
But now we have gone one better. Now we have taken George
Bush’s Spoonerisms and raised the stakes to all time high.
Live on TV’s all over the world, standing next to some of
the most important people in the world, and in tribute to a man who helped to
change the world – one man – one absolute nut-case of a man – stood there and
talked complete gibberish.
His signing followed no known language and had absolutely no
relevance to the words being spoken. He just stood there making it up as he
went along – without the slightest ounce of shame.
FANTASTIC! – I literally can’t stop laughing about it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m aware of how big a deal this is. How
important the whole event was and why those who needed to watch this man will
be upset – of course I do. It is an appalling thing to have happened and
highlights how much of a fight the disabled still have to be taken seriously.
Even in this day and age, and on an event as important as this, nobody took the
deaf people’s needs serious enough to check this guy’s credentials. He is now
claiming that he actually had some kind of schizophrenic breakdown and as high
level a Governmental embarrassment as this is, I wouldn't be surprised if he
winds up having some kind of proof for this condition as well. Call me a cynic
if you must, but what a load of bull. Even if it’s true, I believe he had
previously been used for important events and pulled up on his lack of ability,
yet still the organisers never worried about this for such an important event.
This aspect is serious and very, very wrong.
But bloody funny.
You just imagine folk looking at their TV in disbelief as
Barak Obama appears to announce that “Lassie was really a girl dog and ate pink
bubblegum in a bra”
And he did it all, absolutely poker faced – the biggest
give-away of them all when it comes to sign language.