This morning I had one of those awkward joke failures that make you cringe in pain.
I was on the platform at Paddington feeling quite happy – fairly positive about the new day.
The train pulled in – packed as ever - and I squeezed myself into a spot near the end of the seating row.
I looked down and saw a pretty – but very, VERY pregnant - woman sitting in the ‘priority’ seat on the end. I strongly suspected from her shape, and her body language, that she really needed that seat, and that it really wasn’t going to long until she would be not pregnant any more.
That was when my mouth ran away with itself, without asking my brain for permission.
My mouth decided that the following joke would be funny… I’ll let you decide on whether or not my mouth knows anything about comedy
Me: “ahem”
Pregnant Lady (PL): “Ugh?”
Me: “Are you not going to offer me your seat then?” - While simultaneously rubbing my stomach as if I were 'with child' and nodding at the ‘priority seating’ sign.
Somewhere in the darkest depths of my soul I was laughing my head off. The irony in my gag was knocking the crowds wild…
PL: “What?”
Me: ”Er …I could do with sitting” I was still rubbing my stomach, but my confidence in the joke about making a pregnant woman stand for me on the grounds that I am 'stocky' (ahem) was waning fast under her disgusted stare.
I heard a tut from my right, and the sound of silence erupted through the carriage as everyone froze in disbelief.
PL: ”What?”
Me: “er….” Rub, rub, rub, nod, wink, nod, wink, grin, rub, sweat, shake, beg…
About an hour passed, until...
PL: “Oh – right – haha” She gave me a pitying smile, the type you give to a 6 year old that has just told you his favourite Knock-Knock joke for the thousandth time, and fixed her eyes determinedly into her book.
The carriage relaxed and went back to ignoring each other.
I stood quietly staring into space.
I stepped back slightly, and tried to pretend to be someone else – equally as unimpressed in whoever that idiot was, that had tried to make a pregnant woman stand for him, as everyone else was – whoever he was!
The ground failed to do the decent thing and swallow me up.
So what head bangingly awkward joke have you had fail on you that, just for an instant, had seemed so funny in your mind? Or have you been present when someone else dug a pit of despair for themselves? I’d love to hear about these moments, even if only to console myself that it isn’t only me that does it.
14 comments:
Wow...painful real painful. Reminds me of the time I made the joke about my high sperm account in the delivery room, not cool..
Sausage...
I'm laughing, but more AT you than WITH you.
:-)
I've stuck my foot in my mouth more times than I care to admit, just one of the many side effects of thinking one's self funny...
In my own defense, sometimes I AM funny. It's determining where that line is that gives me trouble.
Pearl
I know that I've said things completely inappropriate on occasion. fortunately I've forgotten them. I hope you will also.
Just invest in a pair of bullet proof shoes then next time you have the urge to shoot yourself in the foot you'll be fine :-)
Glen (the other one)
sausage - :-) delivery rooms are designed for badly thought through quips
Pearl - working that out is impossible
Tag - damn my cursed memory
Glen - worth a thought for sure!
Not a bad joke but an excruciatingly embarrassing moment - I used to work as a party plan consultant. One day I did a party for some friends of my Mum, and as I was writing out a lady's order, I noticed her unusual surname.
'Oh, *surname*, I know *other person with same surname*, any relation?'
'Yes, she is my husbands first wife.'
AWKWARD.
I thought it was freaking hi.larious (and I am POSITIVE I would have felt the same way when I was 10 months preggers on a packed train).
I think I'm really funny and no one I know agrees with me in the slightest, so this kind of thing happens to me regularly. It's amazing that it hasn't dampened my enthusiasm for joke telling one iota.
I hope you are similarly thick-skinned (or deluded, either is okay). x
PS - besides, your flat joke was one very, very funny post, so the joke was pretty much on the humourless, fat (sorry, pregnant) lady in the end.
Ahhh, so 'you' are Glen! Tops!
Hey, I would have laughed! At least there was acknowledgement of her pregnancy in some strange form, who knows she may have had to punch someone in the balls to get that seat anyway!
My horror moment was to a friend who also was a customer when I worked at oak milkshakes in the old chatswood chase. His mother had just passed away. I seriously needed to lighten the mood. Being in year 11 and all.....so.... I said....
What do you get when you cross a greek with a necrophiliac? response.....and I actually said it... Nick Fuck-a-carcass.
oh the shame still makes me feel sick. poor bastard just smiled and walked away with his chocolate thickshake. We are still friends though.
I'm renowned for doing stuff like that, Glen.
My most recent gaffe occurred in the local DVD store. We were talking about being lost, and I said, "Well, you're never REALLY lost, are you? I mean, The Jehovahs' Witnesses always seem to be able to find you. ALWAYS."
Yeah. Turns out the lady in the DVD shop is a JW....
Oh Glen, I wish I commuted on your line - I would have laughed :-)
I feel bad for those who can't take a good joke when it comes their way - I would've gotten that one straightaway and shared the laugh. Hey, that situation will always be better than asking a woman when she's due only to find out she isn't pregnant...
Now I would have probably laughed at that, and I would have went so far as to ask you when yours was due and how much money you thought you would collect for the miraculous birth. LMAO
Kathy
http://www.thetruckerswife.com/
Ha ha! You daft git ..... don't you know that pregnant women don't have a sense of humour because they can't put their own socks on, or eat blue cheese? What were you thinking?!
You're not the only one who does this. DH's father does this sort of thing constantly. It's soooo hard to be polite to him sometimes.
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