My inner narrative goes literal

I’ve been blogging for a while now and it has changed me. I look at things differently, I spend my life looking for things happening around me to happen in ways that I never used to.


The biggest change is my inner narrative.

I cannot remember when it started, but it must have been since I started writing because I never used to do it.

I don’t just mean a normal inner narrative, where you play out the day as you go along, maybe thinking how you will tell someone about it, but I mean an inner ‘written’ narrative, complete with grammar check and title.

Whenever and wherever I am, no matter what is going on around me I’ll be writing a story in my head. I’ll change the things I see into a story. Not only that but I will do mental rewrites in order to shape it into something I like.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

It doesn’t matter what it is and it never seems to go away. I’m sure I only used to do that when I was actually at the keyboard trying to type! Now I do it on the move.

Almost every incident I see, that my head types out a story for, gets binned, mainly due to the incident not being funny or interesting to me, sometimes because I forget it, but without fail the ‘story’ will get tested and sounded out in my head. If I see someone trip up on some stairs I can be five minutes away from them before I’ve finished planning out a blog post about it and ruled it out on account of it being nothing.

The other day I was passing by a brand new Tesco that was about to open near work, and my head was off to blogland again.

I mentally wrote and rewrote a post all about how handy it would be and exciting it was to have this new store opening. I imagined describing the thrill of walking down new aisles picking new chocolate. I even spent a couple of minutes planning what I’d say I was looking forward to buying. I ‘rewrote’ that piece three times before realizing that what I was thinking was utter crap. What was I on about? Getting excited about a Tesco, just because it’s en route to work? Please!

What happened next mad me laugh.

I realised what I was doing. I realised how utterly mad I had become, to be walking along writing a story in my head about a new Tesco store. What really made me gasp was when I started thinking about how I could write about thinking about writing that post…

I stopped.

I actually stopped walking.

I thought, “And then I actually stopped walking along with a suddenness that shocked me through to the core.”

I waved my hand.

I thought, “And then I waved my hand theatrically towards the shiny new store as it shone brightly against the dull stones of the old building it had been inserted into…”

I laughed.

I thought, “The eruption of laughter came deep from within the very depths of my soul as the ridiculousness of the inner narrative gripped my head like a vice.”

And then I thought, “No, the laugh would come from my belly and grip my soul like a vice, not my head. Also I don’t think I thought up enough commas in the waving my hand line.”

AAGGGHHHH - I am going mad!

I’ve become a walking talking story – writing myself as I live and then generally forgetting it all before I make it to my laptop.

I think that is the worst bit – the waste of good material.

While I busy myself writing mental masterpieces, I forget to do the one thing that would actually make being insane worthwhile – which is to write the bloody stuff down.

By the time I sit down to write I’ve forgotten all the good lines I’d worked out, and most of the actual incident to boot. Also I will remember the Tesco idea but forget all about the Celebrities that I saw at Paddington Station, which I’ve just recalled now that I’m sitting at the end of this post. I really must try and remember to write that one up; in my imagination it’s quite a good post (better than one about looking forward to Tesco opening anyway!).

So am I alone in my insanity? Do you all do it too? Are we all mad or was I just not concentrating before I started blogging?

Help me out here…