Cake Club

The first rule of Cake Club?


There is no Cake Club.

Cake Club is a myth, a whisper on the wind that never seems to fade but nothing more substantial than that- isn’t it?

I remember the first time I heard about it through a hushed conversation in the toilets at work. I was sat there, deliberating over three across (news statement, how to remove a seat belt: 5,7). I heard people talking in a whisper and my ears strained to pick out the words.

“Bake Cub - What on Earth is Bake Cub?” I wondered.

I heard the words Marks and Spencer too, before I was suddenly hit with inspiration.

“PRESS RELEASE” I excitedly shouted, and instantly heard panicked silence fill the room. By the time I came out of the cubicle the place was empty, but there was something left behind; something that started me down this whole sorry road of discovery.

Crumbs.

By the sink, on the side near the soap was a small pile of crumbs? Chocolate coloured fluffy delicious looking crumbs. But why? How?

I hit the Internet and searched for bake cub mystery crumbs, I could find nothing of worth for page after page, until suddenly I spotted something. Deep inside a forum on the Weight Watchers’ website, just one line from a question that was never answered, “What is Cake Club?”

That must have been it, I thought, Cake Club - not bake cub.

I noted with some dismay that not only was this question never answered, but this was the last question, or comment, ever made by the previously prolific “TentonneTess”.

Why had Tess disappeared so suddenly after asking about a club for cake fans? This forum asked more questions than it answered for me, and so I dug in, determined to find out just how sinister Cake Club could be.

I left the kids with the neighbours and covertly followed my Wife to her weekly meetings at Weight Watchers. This was the only link I had; I needed to start my search somewhere so I started it by peering through the hall windows. There was something quite compelling about watching big women striping down to their lightest vests and pants before stepping onto the scales, like a Boxer who is struggling to make his weight for a fight. These ladies could not spare even 2Lbs on clothing. This amused me because I wondered where it would need to end? Surely if they wore the same every week it would be cancelled out? If the theory is that each week you wear something less then what have I been doing all these years? I need to join NOW!

It was at that point that I noticed the other men looking through the windows. I was clearly not the only person trying to find out about Cake Club, this secretive cult within Weight Watchers was getting odder my the minute.

After three weeks watching the weight, I finally got a lead. I eavesdropped on a snippet of conversation from two of the women leaving the hall. As they got into their cars for the arduous journey home on the other side of the small estate, I heard them talking about the legend of the secret calories. These calories would not be charted on their trackers, could never be discussed with anyone, they had to be secret or they just wouldn’t work. SECRET CALORIES DO NOT COUNT!

I saw it all now – I understood what Cake Club is.

Secret, calorie free cake indulgence.

Everyone knows that if your wife does not know about it, then it was never eaten. The theory is sound and well proven – I now realised that it works so much deeper than I’d imagined. It’s not just keeping the knowledge from a wife that makes this work. It does not only work for men after all. This is Universal and works for everyone. All it has to be – is secret!

If no body knows about a cake – THEN THERE IS NO CAKE.

If there is no cake, then there are no calories.

If there are no calories, THEN THERE ARE NO POINTS TO TRACK.

Cake Club does not exist – it never existed – and I never went to Marks and Spencer yesterday and I certainly didn’t pay in cash so as not to leave a paper trail.

There is no Cake Club!