James Bond would know what to do

Hi there, it’s me – Breeze. This week I am standing in for young Daniel Radcliffe in his latest wizard film, Hairy Munter and the Philosopher’s bone. It’s a little odd because the rest of the normal cast aren’t in the film and I can’t remember reading that particular book either, but like all the other films in the series, it is bound to be a monumental success.


I had a moment of panic as they got in the Limo, because I had not anticipated they would travel by car at all. I was on foot. Luckily travel on Oxford’s roads is only really possible by bus or bike, so in the end I was easily able to keep up with the stretched vehicle as it slowly ‘sped’ its way through the traffic. In fact I was able to pop in to WHSmith and buy a newspaper to hide behind, should they become suspicious of the brightly coloured tourist following on behind them.

One brisk walk for me later, and the car pulled up at a small end terrace house not too far from the centre of Oxford. Something was wrong with this picture for me. This house looked tiny, and yet all seven actors got out of the car, followed by seven personal assistants, three bag carriers, two make up artists, and one driver all of which looked virtually identical.

Identical to Lulu!

This whole entourage of oddities squeezed themselves into this tiny house. Somehow I had to get in there and see what was going on. This was going to take some serious thought; I would need to be careful. I had no idea of the danger Lulu could be in, I had no idea how mental these guys could be. They weren’t firing on all cylinders, that was for sure. I wondered just how deep their issue could be. What had happened to them so that at the same time as the curve in their fortunes had peaked so high, their grasp of reality had dropped so low? What had caused this amazing change in their perspective?

Then I remembered what had caused all this. Every inch of me shuddered as the memory flooded back. Of course, how could I not know it already? The cause was me. They had met Breeze Van Santo and everything had changed. Their lives had been pushed over the cliff of despair, and there had been no rope to climb back out of the mire that they had fallen into. I’d focused their minds and turned them into tiny, depraved evil versions of their formally decent selves. I had created monsters, but then…

My head went into overdrive to try and justify my involvement in ruining these people’s lives and turning them to the dark side. Suddenly I remembered that the woman who was currently missing, who was being held here in this tiny Oxfordshire hell hole, was also the same woman that had started it all. I would never have met these guys at all had it not been for her blackmailing me in the first place. Lulu was the cause of all this, not me. I had just been an innocent pawn in an unnatural game being played by a self obsessed, beautiful maniac.

Why did I feel so confused? Bond would not have been confused, he would have just blown the whole building up and then popped back into town to shag the girl in the Apollo ticket office. What’s more, Bond would have already had a quick one with Lulu anyway. I’m not Bond; that much is clear. I still hadn’t as much as flirted with Miss. Moneypenny yet, never mind anything else.

I really did feel confused. I should have walked away. I should have just given up on Lulu and left her to rot in the compost heap of depravity that she had created. I should have, I really should. Somehow I knew that I couldn’t leave it now though. Somehow I had to get her out of there and find that inner beauty that I just knew she had. I’d seen it in her eyes, I’d felt in her arms. I’d heard it in her voice when she told me that she loved me. She had meant it – I was certain of that. Somewhere deep inside that tainted soul was an angel being kept prisoner, waiting to be released. I just had to find the key.

Where to start looking though? How deep would you have to search to find that hidden angel? One thing was for sure and that was that the angel was in there. I had seen it and I needed it. I had to try, I had to release Lulu’s inner beauty and allow it to shine as much as the blinding light that her body already provides.

To do that I was fist of all going to have to rescue her, and that meant solving the riddle that stood before me now.

The enigma I stood staring at now, the puzzle to end all puzzles. I could feel that I was close to an answer and yet I was nowhere near it, how on Earth was I going to get Lulu out of the house?

Any way I need to go, Daniel has got a bit over excited and needs his stand in – it truly is a tough job I do, but someone’s got to do it.

Ciao.