Hey you – how’s it going? Breeze is back, did you miss me? I’m afraid I really do not have long this week; things are a little hectic here on the set of The Muppets do Dallas. The film marks a startling change in direction for Kermit and his friends, but it is easily the most interesting looking film I’ve ever worked on, and for a very specific niche market, it’s sure to be a huge success.
It took a week of very late nights sat at my PC to find them. I’d completely forgotten these guys’ names, and burned the declaration that they had signed after Lulu had discovered it. Without their names I’d had to work my way through every sub feet tall actor’s profile this side of Cardiff. Every theatre showing Snow White had to be researched and ticked off. I nested myself into my study and stayed there – glued to the screen. Occasionally Miranda would come in with a Cheeseburger and some Cola, which was an absolute godsend. My skin may have been suffering, but my heart was pumping good and fast and that was what I needed right now.
Finally I found them at the Oxford Apollo, and the discovery blew me away. My memory had been spot on the money. Now I knew ABSOLUTELY that I had been right. I laughed, high fived my monitor and burnt my mouth taking an over enthusiastic bite out of an apple pie.
A snippet from the Oxfordshire Chronicle Online read like this…
“Callthorpe and his troupe’s awesome, heart wrenching play ‘Kramer Vs. Kramer 30 years later’ has set the Apollo’s stage alight. The triumphant return of Callthorpe’s bijou acrobats to Oxfordshire is a welcome relief after Dale Winton’s recent residency performing the Vagina Monologues. The play delves deep into one’s soul as one takes an emotional rollercoaster ride with this ageing couple while they fight over the guardianship of their Granddaughter. The six spatially compact actors stack themselves high to stand tall as this loveable odd couple. Callthorpe himself creates a show stopping and completely believable Granddaughter. I challenge anyone in the audience not to cry when ‘she’ powerfully delivers the famous line, “…but if I love Grandma – why can’t you?”
I knew where they were, but I still didn’t know where Lulu was. One thing was absolutely clear to me, however, and that was that my search had to start in Oxford. The blessed Internet provided me with a hotel, directions and a pizza – I was sick to death of McDonalds. I made a few calls and pulled in some favours with some of the guys I know from the movies, and in a couple of days I had a disguise and some props. All I needed now was a plan. I figured that would come to me later, right now I needed to hit the road.
The next afternoon, after an unsettled nights sleep in a lonely hotel room, I sat myself in Costa opposite the theatre and waited. I knew they were doing their Matinee and so I just had to stay patient. I’d considered buying tickets but who ever goes to a Matinee? It’s just never the same is it?
Three cups of SkinnyMochachinesspresomachiata, or whatever, later and I forced myself to stay calm as the crowd emerged from the Apollo and headed off to find restaurants. A small crowd hung around the stage door and so I quickly grabbed my Sombrero and headed over. I had, of course, been somewhat sceptical when the guys had suggested I disguise myself as a British tourist in Spain, complete with straw donkey, but as the day had progressed I’d begun to understand the logic. Nobody noticed my face at all. The only things that anyone noticed were my cleverly painted beetroot legs exploding from my Union Flag shorts, Hawaiian shirt, donkey and Sombrero. The outfit was genius, I was practically invisible.
I joined the crowd at the door and waited. My heart jumped as the door opened and seven unsuspecting actors headed towards me. Part of me felt impressed and somehow proud of them. These guys had hit rock bottom when I met them, but look where they were now. No longer were they the comedy relief in the background of some low grade pantomime, or the stars of an even lower grade bukake photo shoot, now these guys were the highly regarded stars of an impressively successful play in the heart of English academia.
I found this both impressive and troubling. With everything going so right for them, surely I must have made a mistake? Why would they risk losing all their success by getting involved in such a crazy and bizarre scam like kidnapping Lulu? I was tempted to just turn around and run. I’d wasted my time following the wrong trail, I needed to cut my losses and move on.
But then… No, it just wasn’t right. They had been there that day, I know they had. They were wearing their costumes and had disappeared as quickly as Lulu had. There were simply too many coincidences to ignore. I had to stick with this lead and see where it went. I could still pull out and go back to the drawing board later.
As the guys worked the crowd signing autographs I considered removing my impressive false ‘sunburned and peeling’ nose, and just asking them outright where Lulu was. Perhaps the surprise would catch them out and make them break down? Why do this the hard way? Maybe I could wrap this up right now.
As I was just about to throw my Sombrero to the floor though, I spotted something that just seemed odd. I realised that their PA, following behind them looking vexed, was a tall buxom red head. Their two-girl security team were both identical replicas of the PA, and one quick look at the driver of their Limo confirmed my suspicion. The driver was tall, breasty and brunette. These seven guys had a touch of the Robert Palmer about them when it came to recruiting staff, and all of their people, every single one of them, bore uncanny resemblances to the woman I love.
They all looked like Lulu.
Any way, I must go, Miss. Piggy needs a towel.