Not quite the end

Hi there – it’s me – Van Santo. I know what you are thinking, “Come on Breeze, we’ve been to the movies and we know how things work – you both said ‘I love you’, Boyzone sang, and the camera panned out to show the American saluting – the film is done, I’m putting my coat on while watching the credits. What’s going on?” Well I’m afraid this is not a Hollywood film, it’s a British film – probably directed by Guy Ritchie so it doesn’t necessarily follow the same rules. Besides, in all the excitement I think you might have missed something – where was the kiss?


Tick

Tick

Bang

I doubled over in pain as an ear splitting scream erupted from my mouth. Edward had managed to wriggle his way free of his baby carrier and was now firmly clamped on to my testicles by his ridiculously sharp teeth. In the heat of those amazing few seconds with Lulu, where the Earth had come to a complete standstill just for us, I had forgotten all about her new fiancé and how he might be feeling about things. Apparently he wasn’t very happy about it at all, in fact he was quite vexed. It seemed that Edward had decided that if he wasn’t going to have sex with Lulu, neither was I. I could feel his vice like jaw biting deeper and deeper into my conkers as his blood red eyes locked fiercely upwards directly into mine. I could see the hatred and pure determination in his gaze instantly; he was not going to stop until he had bitten them right off.

The crowd started to panic as I ran around asking them to pull him off. No one wanted to help. My desperate plea of “can’t somebody grab my little man and yank him off for me?” was not getting me anywhere. I swung around desperately making his legs swing out like a fairground ride, but no matter how many times I swung his grip only got firmer. My head was starting to feel light as the combination of dizziness from the spinning and lack of blood flow around the testicles kicked in.

I had to act fast, I had to think. How the hell could I get him of me? I ran towards a wall, the crowd parting in fear as a screaming madman in a high visibility jacket and with the World’s smallest man dangling from his privates, making him look like the most deformed and demented flasher that ever wore a mac, came tearing towards them.

The lights were starting to go out, the pain had stopped and I knew that was a bad sign, I was numb from the waste down but still he was dangling there. I spotted a lamppost and began to spin my way towards it. As I span the momentum built up like an Olympic Hammer thrower, Edward’s little legs came out at a full right angle to my body, but still his teeth dug in harder than ever. I reached the lamp post at full throttle smacking my attacker into it with a sickening thud. As he screamed with the pain and from the winding that it had caused I was free. We both fell to the floor, out of breath and in pain. I did a fast stock check – they were both still there, a little bruised, blooded and battered but still in their place. It might be a couple of weeks until I could test them out and it could possibly have been the most unusual vasectomy ever, but I could handle that, it would be a problem for another day. They were still attached and that was all that mattered right now.

My thoughts turned to Edward. It hadn’t been his fault after all, he had been used and spat out by Lulu and his reaction to me was understandable. Also I knew it wasn’t safe to let him out of my sight, I wasn’t safe yet. Edward was just sitting up again, his breath beginning to return to normal, his eyes were back to their normal colour now that the red of evil hatred had subsided. Then he began to cry.

I knew straight away that these were not the tears of a man physically hurt or in straight forward pain. This pain was much deeper; these were the tears of a broken heart. My shoulders sagged as the full force of his loss hit me. What had I done? This little guy had lived a pretty tough life so far and the fist chance he gets for some real happiness gets pulled from under his feet by me. What kind of a man am I? I had a notion that perhaps it should be me who is the World’s smallest man, rather than him. From where I was sat, Edward was a bigger man than I would ever be.

I looked over and said “Look Edward, I’m sorry – really. I hadn’t planned to say that, I just panicked when I saw that you were engaged. Everything happened so fast, I just, I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“What’s left for me here now, Pantomime? Its okay for you with your long legs and ability to reach and operate the cupboard locks, what’s left for me? Do you have any idea how many years I’ve been waiting to get hold of a woman? Go on, guess how old I am? Now guess how many years it is since I was last in a woman? Yep, you guessed it, both answers are the same!”

I had no answers for him, nothing to say. I felt awful.

We sat for a while with me looking guilty and Edward sobbing, there was nothing else to do. Out of nowhere a vision appeared. A voluptuous blonde dressed in the sexy uniform of McDonalds (I’ve always said that a uniform is a uniform at the end of the day and I do love a woman in uniform, besides the occasional free burger is not to be sniffed at and her skin would soon clear up with the help of some Clinique), was knelt by Edward’s side.

“Well I hope you are happy with yourself!” she venomously asked me before turning to Edward, “You poor love – what must you think of the English after all that? I could never treat you like that. You deserve so much more so sexy little bugger!” At that Miranda (we later discovered her name) reached out and pulled him into her ample bosom. I worried a little because he went in face first and soon appeared to be struggling a little, as she firmly held him in her breasts. Was he suffocating? Should I try and free him? Eventually I realised that he wasn’t actually struggling at all, what he was actually trying to do was give me a double thumbs up sign. Edward was back, and he was in paradise.

I left them too it and headed away to find Lulu and assure her that everything was fully functional, or would be in a couple of weeks at least, but she was gone.

I frantically searched the crowd. I ran back and forth calling her name. Every nook, every cranny was probed, every stone was turned.

I’d lost her again. Lulu was gone.

I bet that American is feeling pretty damned stupid for saluting now, isn’t he?



Ciao.