It's time for some fudge

Hi there, Breeze here – Breeze Van Santo. I’m currently standing in for Tommy Lee in the Hollywood remake of the 90’s independent film about his honeymoon with Pamela Anderson. It’s a very glamorous looking film set on a yacht in the sun and depicts the many highs and lows of a newly married celebrity couple, just trying to find themselves some privacy, dignity and self respect, within the crazy, mixed up, paparazzi driven world in which they have found themselves. The conflict between their media personas and their true identities is simply stunning, and with Whoopi Goldberg playing Pamela’s part this is sure to be the biggest hit of the decade.


Anyhoo, I spent a few days walking around in a daze, thinking about the way things had gone with Lulu, what I did wrong, what I did right and what I could have done. Even a Viagra tasting weekend back in Germany at the S.A.A couldn’t get her off my mind. It seemed that Lulu was with me everywhere I went.

Then suddenly I saw her on TV presenting a ‘welcome to the UK’ box of Devon fudge to Edward Hernandez, who was touring thanks to his notoriety for being the World’s smallest man. Alarm bells rang in my head as I saw the tiny skirt she had chosen to wear and the look of wonder in his eyes as he looked up at her. I knew exactly what had caught his attention. This did not look good at all; Lulu was back having a 2nd try at her dastardly master plan, this time going direct to the source and cutting out the middle man – ME!

As I watched Lulu fawning all over this bewildered, and ill prepared for such attention, little man trapped in the headlights of her body, I knew I had to do something. The little guy didn’t stand a chance, when Lulu bent forward to present the award her over exposed breasts, each one bigger than his head, heaved before him. Edward almost had a heart attack when she bent over the other way in front of him to pick up her ‘dropped’ phone. I knew how he felt, I wanted some of that too – I had to stop this before it was too late. The report said that Mr. Hernandez here to visit London and listed a few of the things he intended doing, and when, to allow fans to come and see him. I swiftly made some notes and hit the Internet; I had some planning to do.

The rain was pouring through dark skies as the entourage walked towards the London Eye. I searched the crowd until I spotted her, only then did I fully understand how difficult my task was going to be. Lulu was huddled under a large golfing umbrella carrying Edward in a baby carrier with his head happily laid back into her cleavage. The smallest man in the World was also the happiest. I could already be too late. The smile on his face as he was tossed casually about in her breasts as she walked would not be wiped off easily. I was going to have to get this right, first time, and I was going to have to go in hard.

Comfortably wearing a high visibility jacket and a peaked cap I marched straight towards them maliciously brandishing a clipboard. Everyone knows that this is the international uniform of someone in charge, someone with authority, someone who is fundamentally excited by his chance to use the minimal amount of power he has actually been given. My lack of height only increased the illusion that I was absolutely not going to listen to anyone. British people love to know where they stand, so knowing exactly what they were going to get from someone like me, put them at ease immediately. The crowds parted and I easily made my way towards the unsuspecting couple.

“Lulu Grigio?” I demanded as I finally reached her.

“Erm yes, er…?” Lulu’s confusion was perfect. I had to move fast before her brain caught up and worked out what I was up to.

“Miss. Grigio, I have a court order here preventing you from being within 2 miles of anyone below 5 foot tall. I need you to handover the gentleman immediately. Sir, I apologise for this but you are in grave danger of being misused most unnaturally by Miss. Grigio!”

“Ooh I know it, she’s amazing isn’t she, and will she be wearing leather during the misuse?”

I was momentarily stumped by Edward’s answer but swiftly recovered.

“No sir, I don’t think you understand, Miss. Grigio has a record a mile long for her mini fetish. The Society for the protection of persons of diminished stature have successfully got this court order taken out to protect you. I’m afraid the abuse is a little more unnatural than you are expecting – did you ever see the Crying Game at all?”

“No I haven’t yet, why?”

“Hmm well I’d better not spoil the twist for you then, anyway look, it’s about Miss. Grigio – well you see, she isn’t exactly ‘Miss’ Grigio – there’s slightly more to her than you might be expecting.”

“You are right there, Have you seen the way she eats bananas?” Oh God, I could well imagine, “And you are right about her not being a Miss as well, at least not for much longer, isn’t that right love?”

What? Had I just understood that correctly? I was getting nowhere fast and then I caught Lulu’s eye and I fell into the abyss one more time. Lulu’s brain had caught up and she had played a trump card.

“Yes, darling that is right – and I can’t wait. How do you like this Breeze?”

I looked and then I looked again. The last grip of hope slipped from my fingertips as a rock bigger than the fists of the man who had bought it, glinted and shone on Lulu’s finger. Lulu’s hard grin smirked ruthlessly in my direction as part of me died inside.

I gasped “But I love you”

“WHAT?” Lulu’s smile had gone, as had her little fiancé’s.

Oops – sorry I have to go as we are about to film the scene where they go for a drive in the country. I’m really not sure how it will turn out but it certainly looks interesting in the script.

Ciao



P.S. Edward Nino Hernandez may or may not be the World’s smallest man – this is fiction.