Back at the penthouse I was slightly out of breath, as my heart played the drums at 60,000 beats per minute. The lift opened and once more the door stood before me. I breathed in and took charge of myself. I had to get back in control of my nerves, it’s not like I’d never had sex before, it’s not like I’d never kissed a beautiful woman before either. For some reason though, the thought of what was coming was driving me crazy. I realised something important, I realised I was in love. That was it, that was the problem, I’ve never really been in love before, certainly not sober anyway.
The door opened.
The world stopped.
Millennia passed in an instant as I stood frozen in time, transfixed and anchored to the moment by the beauty of Lulu’s eyes.
The kick came from nowhere, and suddenly I was on the floor in agony. My head closed down, all attempts to make sense of what had just happened were abandoned in order to cope with the pain that I was in.
What had just happened was a lightening fast high heeled kick to my balls; how had she managed such an accurate shot with such power? I had no breath at all as I rolled in agony in the lobby of Lulu’s flat. I couldn’t ask what was going on and Lulu wasn’t offering any explanation, so all I could do was concentrate on trying to manoeuvre the lumps in my throat back down to where my testicles are usually kept.
Slowly the static noise that was filling my ears began to fade, and the sound of shouting replaced it.
“You absolute bastard, I can’t believe you have done this to me…”
Oh my God, if this is how she acts when she is overwhelmed with passion I’m in trouble. Somebody needs to have a talk with her about the birds and the bees. I realised she was frustrated and horny, but how the hell was I going to make love to her now? LB was out of action and I had no breath, so the best she could hope for was for me to get a bit handy but to be honest, I wasn’t really in the mood anymore. I’ve always prided myself on having an open mind and I don’t have anything specific against the whole S&M thing, but surely there are limits? I always thought it was supposed to be consensual; I hadn’t even had a chance to let her know my safe word. Clearly Lulu was new at this and didn’t know the rules, perhaps after a brandy and an ice pack we could start again with clearer boundaries?
“For crying out loud woman, back off! I can’t breathe! I’m just not into this you psycho!”
Silence filled my ears, followed by gentle sobbing. I looked around and slowly the blurring in my eyes began to subside and their focus returned. The door was open and Lulu was sitting on the sofa crying. It is funny how your mood can change so quickly, mine changed right then. Maybe I’d been too harsh just then, I shouldn’t have called her that and ruined her perfect moment. I felt rotten; I should have manned up and let her slap me about if that’s what she needed. I eased myself upright, checking all of my special parts over carefully, and manoeuvring it all back into their proper positions. I gave myself a quick check in the mirror and found that I only needed to brush back my hair and I’d be ready to go. I softly closed the door behind me as I headed over to console her on the sofa. Yet again I could see that a Dad hug was required.
It was only when I sat down that everything came fully into focus and my world was crushed once more.
There on the table was my jacket, and there, sticking out of the pocket were the photos.
I closed my eyes, sat back, and cursed the world. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so selfish? I’d actually come over here thinking that she wanted me, that she needed me! What a fool! I’d broken her heart, that’s what I’d done. I had wanted it all hadn’t I? I’d wanted to scupper her evil plan AND take her love. Even Bond isn’t that cruel, oh he’d have slipped her some double oh heaven before blowing up her secret laboratory alright – but he wouldn’t have tried to steal her heart and soul at the same time.
I had convinced myself that it would work, that we could truly have it all. I should have known better. Lulu deserved better than me, that’s for sure. Somehow I had to let her know this, somehow I had to rescue the situation and at least walk away with my pride. If I could get an under the jumper boob rub as well then perfect, I couldn’t expect more than that.
“Look, Lulu I…”
“You bastard Breeze, do you have any idea how I feel? I drank that stuff in good faith, you promised me it was Warwick’s but instead it was … was… Oh my God!”
“They are all actors though…. Surely that counts? At the end of the day that has to be the same, I mean I’m pretty sure the Umpa Lumpa on the right was in Time Bandits!”
“What really? Which one? No never mind, that’s not the same and you know it! You stood there and acted so noble, so decent. What if it had worked? Oh my God I’d have the CSA chasing department stores trying to find Santa’s helper for half of his fricking pay, which would amount to about half a pack of bloody nappies! Where would the great Breeze Van Santo have been then I wonder? You’d be on some beach somewhere, frolicking about with some skinny blonde bimbo bitch no doubt.”
Jealousy? Had I just noted a frisson of envy when she had described my ex just then? I perked up as the tiniest crack of hope split the surface of despair.
There was going to be a lot of work for me to do, to get over this lack of trust. A mountain to climb, but I knew, I just knew – it was no longer impossible!
Anyhoo, I have to go now – They have re charged Bruce’s mobility scooter and we are ready to roll…