Anyhoo, I raced over to Lulu’s with my heart pounding. She had sounded so sincere on the phone, she needed me. When she opened the door I could see she was a different woman. Gone were the long flowing low cut dresses and heels. Stood before me was a woman in distress. Lulu had jogging bottoms and trainers on, a baggy T-shirt bore the slogan “Happiness is a deep bath and a bathroom door that locks”. Her face was pale save for the heavy mascara around her eyes. Her hair looked unkempt and greasy. I was shocked; I’d always thought it took years to turn glamorous women into ‘Mums’.
“My goodness – what the hell happened?” I demanded, carefully walking her to the sofa. This was a woman really not taking well to pregnancy it seemed. “Morning sickness really doesn’t look good on you.”
Lulu’s heavy tears told me that perhaps she hadn’t needed or wanted me to point that out, but I could hardly retract it now so I decided to keep digging instead “I mean you look great , maybe just wash your hair or something, bit of lippy and you’ll be back to your old self in no time.”
“I’m not pregnant Breeze”
“Are you getting enough vitamins? You need vitamins don’t you – Iron? I bet its just Iron deficiency, here you lick my belt buckle while I pop out and fetch some steak…. What?”
“I’m not pregnant”
“?”
“I spent a fortune on these clothes; I did loads of research on what pregnant women wear by watching Jeremy Kyle. This make up doesn’t do itself you know, I spent half an hour applying it and then washing it off really badly with cheap cleanser, before smudging round my eyes with a tea towel. Do you have any idea what I’ve gone through to make my hair this bad? I’ve done everything, EVERYTHING! I’ve walked around like this for weeks, eating nothing but Hula Hoops and Marmite sandwiches because I decided that is what I should crave. I drank that little bastard’s entire love cup and for what? I swallowed every last drop, even scooping the little that had dribbled onto my breasts back up and licking it off my finger… what’s wrong? You have gone a bit pale are you okay? Anyway, all it did was give me unpredictable mood swings, one minute I’d be happy then grumpy then…”
“? Wibble… ? ……… I mean ………….?”
I’ve done everything right but here I am, NOT PREGNANT!”
“AHEM… Okay, well these things happen, maybe you should have saved some in the freezer or something and tried again next month, you can’t expect to get pregnant first try?”
“The girl on Jeremy Kyle got pregnant first try and it wasn’t even with her boyfriend but with his Grandfather instead, so it can’t be that hard now can it?”
“It’s nice that you have modelled yourself on such quality role models but sometimes life just isn’t like that is it?”
Lulu looked at me and I saw hope fade from her eyes, she knew I was right. Slumped back in her seat Lulu looked refreshingly real. For the first time since I had met her she looked like a woman, rather than a dream or a nightmare. A beautiful woman none the less, and a beautiful woman in distress, it was like my prayers were finally being answered. I put my arms around her and drew her in for a strong cuddle. I felt her crumble within the embrace as I took on the role of the father giving comfort to his child. For the next 25 seconds all thoughts of sex would be forgotten as I squeezed her worries away. I had to be her rock and make everything alright.
25 seconds later…
My head started to spin as the heady aroma of Clinique Happy once again forced itself into my loin. LB sent an email to my brain asking if there was anything it wanted him to do right now, along with a lengthy list of suggestions. When it got no reply it sent another note to say that it was proposing a vote of no confidence in the decision maker’s abilities, and had put itself forward as a potential candidate for the position. My brain was struggling to remain in command, the political coup in my trousers gained momentum with my hands declaring their support of LB, by inching slowly down Lulu’s back.
Could this really be it? Right here and now was I finally going to get hold of that arse? Lulu looked up and caught my gaze, her eyes drew me in deeper than the deepest ocean and when her lips parted and moved towards mine they gave my brain the final piece of information it needed to make that decision…
…But that is for later, right now I have to go and put on my PVC confederate’s uniform.
Ciao.
1 comments:
Bloody hell! I was totally immersed in Lulu and - once again - foiled.
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