Body image

Recently I have read quite a few blog posts about body image. Specifically about women and the image they have of themselves. On the whole this is pretty good news, because as part of their ‘self healing’ they are busily posting photos of themselves in their underwear to prove a point. What most women always fail to realise when they run about being all self conscious and comparing themselves to airbrushed models, is that men don’t actually have such high expectations of them at all. In fact we really are very easily pleased. It always amazes me how fickle us men really are. Actually I’d better be careful here and help my brothers out by changing that. I don’t want any lady readers turning round and giving their men grief for this – it’s all me, just me – no one else does this….


The thing is I just cannot be consistent with which body bits I like! Sometimes I’m a boob man, often a bum man or even a leg man. How are you women supposed to know what to look after to attract me? Sometimes I can simply be transfixed by a woman’s eyes or her hair. The really tricky thing is that it changes daily and differs from woman to woman. I guess on the plus side it helps because it means that there is usually something I can find attractive in a woman!

Don’t get complacent though; one day I’ll like a nice pert small bum, the next day I’ll fancy something a little meatier! Some days I’ll see an olive skinned Mediterranean type lady and think WOW, another I’ll see a pale, freckled red head and fall over smitten. You can add any combination of skin tones into that mix – you might as well, trust me at some point I’ve thought to my self that “you’d do” which is one of my highest compliments.

Sometimes my habit of falling in lust with a body part can go wrong though. The other day I noticed a girl in the window seat in front and to the left of me on the train. The girl’s shoulder and neck could clearly be seen through the crack in the seat, and it was lovely. A really nice neck leading to a smooth shoulder displaying the suggestion of a bra strap was all it took to drag my attention away from my lap top. I was just approaching that dangerous point where you begin to cross the line from being a normal bloke ‘noticing’ a pretty woman, and turn into a disgusting letch when ‘it’ happened. She turned to look out of the other window. I even saw the man sat on her right flinch and move over a bit to avoid being smacked by it. Her nose was huge! Way past Roman and headed straight towards Pinocchio after an hour’s blog commenting. This thing was massive and was clearly scaring the man next to her every time she moved it towards him, I almost tapped her on the shoulder to ask how such a pretty slim neck can support the weight of it? Needless to say the magic was lost and I was able to stay on the right side of the pervert fence. I don’t think I’ve ever been specifically smitten by a nose, maybe that is the only part that I can say that about.

So ladies, are you wracked with a lack of confidence about your post baby bodies? Are you covered in stretch marks and wobble in places you shouldn’t while not wobbling in places you should? Trust me these things don’t matter. Undoubtedly there is something beautiful about you, whether it’s your eyes, your neck, your hair, your feet, your bum, your boobs, your knees, your smile, your legs, your shoulders, your hands or dammit, even your personality! Yes ladies even your personality counts – okay so it’s not the thing we notice as you walk by in the park – but it certainly matters once we stop to chat to you. So stop all this lights off, self defacing hide behind supporting tights nonsense and get confident about yourself! Confidence is the sexiest body part of all! Once you have got past that initial moment of ‘across the room attraction’ everything changes. When you truly are in bed with a woman you love, personality overrides plastic body parts every time. We love you, you soft bunch of nutters! We want you exactly how you are, warts, wobbles, wrinkles, lines, hairs, stretch marks, knackered pelvic floors, cellulite and everything! We just don’t care – get in bed and get them off and we are happy! Seriously – just be confident and we will melt in your arms. I mean fair enough, if Sandra Bullock turned up we would be off, but apart from her you are safe. Luckily for me I am blessed, because my wife has all of those things and more, so I wouldn’t so much as look elsewhere - ahem – hello love!

Ladies, as long as you don’t have a big nose you will be fine.