Just call me Breeze

Hi, Van Santo here, just call me Breeze; Breeze Van Santo.

I bumped into Glen a while back, when the Porsche blew a tyre. I was driving along the Southbank, headed to a blonde’s penthouse suite. I had my white linen suit on and had no desire to mess that up while the white van drivers of London amused themselves at my expense, so I certainly wasn’t going to change the bloody wheel myself. Luckily there’s always some geek about who is so desperate to get hold of a bit of real petrol head heaven for five minutes, that they will do it for you. I sat back as this bloke droned on about his blog for twenty minutes while probably getting off on touching a real 911 wheel brace.

Eventually I cracked and promised to check out his blog. As I suspected (I’ve seen it so often), successfully manage to breed, hold a marriage down for more than a week and use spell checker, and suddenly they think they are Terry Pratchett. It wouldn’t be so bad if he could figure out what that little wiggly line means when it’s green, instead of just ignoring it. Glen takes three attempts on Spell Checker just to write the word grammar, never mind use the bugger. “Oh my kids are so amazing – I must tell the whole world about them!” KAK – Glen’s Life my arse, if you had a life to talk about mate, you might get somewhere!

Out of sheer pity I have agreed to chronicle a real life for the Internet to discover right here on Glen’s Life, the home of mid life frustration and bemused parenting clichés.

Every week I will be drawing you a little deeper into my world, exposing myself in front of you. Calm down ladies, I’m not talking about Little Breeze, only the very finest Yummy Mummies get an audience with ‘LB’. Glen has asked me to write a weekly column for him and I’ll try my best, though my life can be quite hectic so I can’t promise anything.

Last year I racked up enough Air Miles to frickin buy BA, crossed the date line so often I’m now twenty years older than my father and used enough condoms to stretch from London to Bermuda. I was aiming for Miami if I’m honest, but it’s been a tough year. Hey, everyone hits a dry spell now and again, and my dry spell has a name! Lulu Grigio – more about her and our penthouse liaison later.

I live on the road, moving from one movie location to the next, living life to the full. Oh didn’t I say? I’m a stunt double for Danny DeVito. I’ve also worked for Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Barry from Eastenders, and Tom Cruise, all of whom were absolute gents. Okay, I’m just joking about Tom Cruise – he was an arse. To be fair though, him and Nicole were having issues at the time of shooting the film and having to stand back and watch me romping with his naked wife can’t have helped, especially with us having to do all those retakes when the director kept coughing or falling asleep. I won’t go into details, but to kick off this blog I’m going to let you into a secret that I’ve kept ever since that shoot - Nicole Kidman ain’t no natural blond; I certainly made a point of keeping my eyes wide open if you know what I mean?

Anyhoo, that’s my intro written, I need to turn over now or the tan will be uneven, so I’ll sign off and hand you back to Glen. I’ll be back soon, to start telling you about the crazy world that I live in.

I’d love to read your comments and get to know you crazy guys some more – so please let me know what you are thinking below…

Ciao.