Finding my alter ego

On our wet drive to Bournemouth we were passed by a van.


“What?” I hear you ask, “Really – you saw a van, driving on the motorway?”

Yes, a van and you can put your sarcasm back in its box thank you very much, if you give me a moment to get to the point without butting in we might get somewhere.

In massive letters down the side of this van was written the name of the garage to which it no doubt belonged. The name of this garage was Breeze Van Centre in Southampton.

“Breeze Van Centre!” I yelped.

“Huh?” replied my bemused wife, unable to fathom why I had got so excited about being passed by a van, in much the same way that you did. “THAT’S IT!” I exploded, the car veered across the lanes, as Jo tried to stop her ears ringing from the noise of my shouting and the kid’s crying. The boys had, in an instant, seen their future in care homes as their father dribbled his way through a life of enforced electroconvulsive therapy. “Breeze Van Centre – that’s my new pen name – my alter ego!” My children nodded knowingly at each other, and made a pact to tell their friends I was in prison for armed robbery, rather than admit I had been sectioned.

And there it was, the idea was born that I could have another life, lived vicariously through my own invention. I sat, cursing my inability to carry a pen and paper with me, my head melted with ideas. Breeze Van Centre could do anything; Breeze would live the life that I can only dream of. I can write as Breeze and chronicle his life, and those memoirs will be everything that Glen’s Life is not. Breeze Van Centre would not be stuck in a car with the windscreen wipers on full speed, carrying the world’s crappest, and most vindictive tent in the boot. No way.

“You can’t be Van Centre – that’s rubbish” mooted my lovely wife Jo (or Lulu Grigio as she will henceforth be known), “Centre doesn’t quite work; you should be something like Van Santo instead”

“WHAT? Wait! I’ve got it… Breeze Van Santo – that’s brilliant!” My head rocked with another billion ideas as to who Breeze Van Santo would be, Lulu had been right of course, Van Santo was much more exciting than Van Centre. So there you have it, my alter ego has been born. The adventures of Breeze Van Santo will follow soon, I have about a million ideas to rule out before I can show you them but I hope to bring in my guest blogger real soon.

I have a feeling that his international jet setter lifestyle will be everything that I always dreamed my own would be. Breeze wouldn’t be married (sorry Lulu), Breeze wouldn’t have any children (DNA tests pending on a few maybe - sorry boys). BVS will have hair – lots of it, and none of it will be sticking out his nose. Breeze would not go camping (unless it’s in a survival tent somewhere high up in Nepal). Bournemouth wouldn’t be good enough either, we are talking about holidays in St. Moritz or Torquay for a guy like this – two weeks as well, not just one.

I’m pretty sure there is room on Glen’s Life for my new guest blogger to chronicle his party lothario lifestyle for you, maybe one day he’ll have his own blog – no doubt the selfish git won’t return the favour and let me guest on his though – but that’s typical of a guy like Breeze isn’t it?

Now, where did I put that thesaurus – I have no idea what being a lothario actually means.