I had one of those moments of utter clarity yesterday. I could see clearly in full 1080p HD, the difference between men and women.
I shook my fists at the ceiling and shouted “KHAAAAAN!” Sorry, I am a Star Trek nerd, I tend to re enact William Shatner’s finest acting moment from Star Trek 2 in times of despair. Actually if I am honest, I think Bill’s acting may have peaked in T.J. Hooker, there was one scene in that where I recall he managed to make his hair go from straight to wavy, to straight, back to curly and even at one point to kind of an Afro, during one chase & fight scene – now that’s acting.
Why did Uhura have poo on her head? Because William Shatner.
Couldn’t resist wiping the dust of that old beauty – sorry.
My speakers arrived.
These are no ordinary speakers.
No way, these are Logitech and they are, quite literally, audio porn. Logitech Z-5500 5.1 channel amplifier system. The first thing I said when I opened the box was “Oh crap!” the subwoofer is as big as a car! I looked out the window – Jo was still out with the boys. I didn’t know how much time I had, but I knew I had to get this system set up and working, with the subwoofer somehow hidden away, before they were back. If Jo saw this huge box lying around before she heard it there would be no way I’d be allowed to keep it.
I set to work, speedily pulling out the TV stand and rearranging the whole set up to include my new toy. I had to completely remove the old VHS recorder, we never use that anymore anyway. I cut some fast holes in the back of the stand and poked wires through.
Very quickly indeed, the job was done.
I turned it on and then had to run very quickly to change my trousers. This is the Sandra Bullock of home entertainment.
I’d very nearly got everything finished and tidied away when Jo returned.
No matter how many different devices I played through it, however many different tweaks on the settings, Jo just sat there nodding and saying “yes, it’s quite good”, QUITE?
Next Jo screwed her nose up, as I put her favourite DVD on (Mama Mia) “I don’t like the base – can you turn it down? Why is the TV stood so far out from the wall, have you not put it all the way back in or something?”
I turned the base down, then a little more. Jo’s nose remained screwed up, so I turned it down some more. When this system was suggested to me, I was also advised to buy some fuses because when you “turn this bad boy right up it will blow the fuse”. Luckily I ignored this advice; there is no way I’m ever going to be in danger of blowing any fuses. In despair I looked at the display and noted that I only had one bar left on the subwoofer – and still Jo was complaining of over exposure to bass. I pointed out that the reason her nose was now pressed up to the TV was because there was a box big enough to sleep in behind the stand. I declared that this state of the art piece of craftsmanship was currently crying, desperate to be heard but in pain at the level of restraint she was forcing upon it. Jo, however, had stopped listening in the way that she always does when I try and explain anything remotely gadget based to her.
Later on, with the kids tucked up in bed I decided that we had a good sound system now, so it was time to watch a good film. I had been saving Slumdog Millionaire for a while after Jo had ‘taped’ it from the TV at Christmas. I knew Slumdog is supposed to be a decent film with a good soundtrack. I sighed as I remembered about the film, because it took me 20 minutes to go out to the garage, retrieve the VHS and plug it back in with Jo helpfully heckling me. Then I sighed again when I finally remembered that when Jo says she has ‘taped’ something, she actually means she has recorded it on Sky+.
Even Jo had to admit that it sounded great, and by the way, “decent film” does not do it any justice at all, it is a brilliant film. Admittedly some of the plaster fell off the ceiling due to the bass and at one point Daniel came down to ask if we could turn it down a bit. Jo and I spent the rest of the film giggling due to the fact that when I paused the film to talk to Daniel, it paused exactly on a subtitled scene to the words “you fat bastard”. We both spotted it at the same time and had a hell of a time trying to explain to our upset son what we were laughing at.
I’m more excited than ever about next week’s new arrival. My new TV! Finally I am going to step into the world of flat screens and HI-DEF, some 3 years after my own Dad – how embarrassing is that?
No doubt Jo will look at her first Blu-Ray HI-DEF film and squint her eyes for a bit before saying “Yes it’s ok, I can’t see much difference between this and the video on our old TV though, are you happy with it”
As Edwin Starr once said…
“Wives – HUH – What are they good for?” **
** Disclaimer:
If you finished that line yourself by singing “Absolutely nothing”, this was entirely your own opinion. I take no responsibility for that at all and in no way can be held responsible for any offence taken or problems that occur from you singing that out loud later on. My own opinion is that wives are often very useful indeed, and in fact are undervalued and deserve some new shoes. What was that dear? Okay, in fact it’s husbands that are completely useless, not wives. Now, please will you put the comedy rolling pin down and put the kettle on?
I shook my fists at the ceiling and shouted “KHAAAAAN!” Sorry, I am a Star Trek nerd, I tend to re enact William Shatner’s finest acting moment from Star Trek 2 in times of despair. Actually if I am honest, I think Bill’s acting may have peaked in T.J. Hooker, there was one scene in that where I recall he managed to make his hair go from straight to wavy, to straight, back to curly and even at one point to kind of an Afro, during one chase & fight scene – now that’s acting.
Why did Uhura have poo on her head? Because William Shatner.
Couldn’t resist wiping the dust of that old beauty – sorry.
My speakers arrived.
These are no ordinary speakers.
No way, these are Logitech and they are, quite literally, audio porn. Logitech Z-5500 5.1 channel amplifier system. The first thing I said when I opened the box was “Oh crap!” the subwoofer is as big as a car! I looked out the window – Jo was still out with the boys. I didn’t know how much time I had, but I knew I had to get this system set up and working, with the subwoofer somehow hidden away, before they were back. If Jo saw this huge box lying around before she heard it there would be no way I’d be allowed to keep it.
I set to work, speedily pulling out the TV stand and rearranging the whole set up to include my new toy. I had to completely remove the old VHS recorder, we never use that anymore anyway. I cut some fast holes in the back of the stand and poked wires through.
Very quickly indeed, the job was done.
I turned it on and then had to run very quickly to change my trousers. This is the Sandra Bullock of home entertainment.
I’d very nearly got everything finished and tidied away when Jo returned.
No matter how many different devices I played through it, however many different tweaks on the settings, Jo just sat there nodding and saying “yes, it’s quite good”, QUITE?
Next Jo screwed her nose up, as I put her favourite DVD on (Mama Mia) “I don’t like the base – can you turn it down? Why is the TV stood so far out from the wall, have you not put it all the way back in or something?”
I turned the base down, then a little more. Jo’s nose remained screwed up, so I turned it down some more. When this system was suggested to me, I was also advised to buy some fuses because when you “turn this bad boy right up it will blow the fuse”. Luckily I ignored this advice; there is no way I’m ever going to be in danger of blowing any fuses. In despair I looked at the display and noted that I only had one bar left on the subwoofer – and still Jo was complaining of over exposure to bass. I pointed out that the reason her nose was now pressed up to the TV was because there was a box big enough to sleep in behind the stand. I declared that this state of the art piece of craftsmanship was currently crying, desperate to be heard but in pain at the level of restraint she was forcing upon it. Jo, however, had stopped listening in the way that she always does when I try and explain anything remotely gadget based to her.
Later on, with the kids tucked up in bed I decided that we had a good sound system now, so it was time to watch a good film. I had been saving Slumdog Millionaire for a while after Jo had ‘taped’ it from the TV at Christmas. I knew Slumdog is supposed to be a decent film with a good soundtrack. I sighed as I remembered about the film, because it took me 20 minutes to go out to the garage, retrieve the VHS and plug it back in with Jo helpfully heckling me. Then I sighed again when I finally remembered that when Jo says she has ‘taped’ something, she actually means she has recorded it on Sky+.
Even Jo had to admit that it sounded great, and by the way, “decent film” does not do it any justice at all, it is a brilliant film. Admittedly some of the plaster fell off the ceiling due to the bass and at one point Daniel came down to ask if we could turn it down a bit. Jo and I spent the rest of the film giggling due to the fact that when I paused the film to talk to Daniel, it paused exactly on a subtitled scene to the words “you fat bastard”. We both spotted it at the same time and had a hell of a time trying to explain to our upset son what we were laughing at.
I’m more excited than ever about next week’s new arrival. My new TV! Finally I am going to step into the world of flat screens and HI-DEF, some 3 years after my own Dad – how embarrassing is that?
No doubt Jo will look at her first Blu-Ray HI-DEF film and squint her eyes for a bit before saying “Yes it’s ok, I can’t see much difference between this and the video on our old TV though, are you happy with it”
As Edwin Starr once said…
“Wives – HUH – What are they good for?” **
** Disclaimer:
If you finished that line yourself by singing “Absolutely nothing”, this was entirely your own opinion. I take no responsibility for that at all and in no way can be held responsible for any offence taken or problems that occur from you singing that out loud later on. My own opinion is that wives are often very useful indeed, and in fact are undervalued and deserve some new shoes. What was that dear? Okay, in fact it’s husbands that are completely useless, not wives. Now, please will you put the comedy rolling pin down and put the kettle on?
6 comments:
I absolutely love this post! It's so true. We just got a new TV, our former being the boxy old school square type. Heck, I still even have the first TV I ever bought - 20 years ago! It's a bit dark, but it still works, although it sits in the garage with a bunch of other stuff waiting to go to charity. ANYWAY - while I'm happy to have a new TV, it's clear my husband gets much more enjoyment from it than I do. Same with the bass issue. I always have to adjust the stereo in the car. I don't get it.
Oops! Gotta run! The kettle's whistling!
I think you should be a reality tv show. I would start watching tv JUST for that!! I agree with you that sometimes wives just don't get it. Guilty.
It's not our fault though. It started with the cavemen. The first time some caveman introduced his cavewife to fire her exact reply was "I guess this is ok... cooking by sunshine has been fine. You just want this fire because Grok next cave has it." That is a widely documented fact. I think.
:-) I don't care what you say - the TV & Sound system are the man's only input about what goes into the decor of a house, and we mean to enjoy it!
Saying that, Jo has finally made my mind up and declared that the speakers are going back!
Enjoyed that, didn't even leave an after taste. I'll send my address for delivery of the speakers, my entertainment unit backs onto the garage, hole in wall and the car parked in the drive will fix any space issues. Turn the knob up until Scotty screams "She's giving all she's got!"
Fight that decision!!
Hiya Glen - loving the Uhuru joke!
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