My letter to Camelot

Dear Camelot,

I have been a loyal customer of yours since you first started operating in 1994. I’ve never felt the need to write to you before but I feel that I have reached the very end of my tether.

How long can I be expected to put up with the ridiculous manner in which you treat your customers with such disdain? Why is that week after week you seem to think you can pocket my hard earned cash without ever thinking you should provide anything like an acceptable level of service in return?

Every week, for 14 years, I have ticked my 6 numbers, paid you my money and walked away clutching your so called Lottery ticket, with an ever diminishing feeling of excitement. Slowly but surely I have lost all hope, now I just feel dirty.

“Ah but” you say, “a small percentage of your pound goes to good causes”, and so I have to think that I’d be robbing some homeless drug addicts of their right to see a Lottery funded play, staged on a floating ice rink on the Thames, involving a group of naked librarians singing Frank Sinatra hits to prove a point about Banker’s greed.

As much as I do feel sorry at depriving the already deprived of the simple pleasure of seeing ‘My Way – on Ice’ I still think that my investment with you is not realising the full return that I’d hoped for.

Just the other week I saw your advert promising a jackpot of £4,000,000, only to see the young lady at the Newsagents actually laugh at me. I pre ordered my copy of Millionaires Monthly at the same time as purchasing my ticket, and for some reason she thought this was amusing. Sure enough a week later her mockery was proven to be correct as my pound disappeared up your ever expanding backside. How she loved the moment when she pointed out that I wouldn’t get my deposit back on the magazine subscription. I shall no longer be buying my tickets at ‘Mags and Fags’ by the station, I can assure you.

My calculator tells me that I have spent approximately £1000 pounds on your little pink tickets (I have also been fooled into buying the Wednesday tickets for quite a few years now as well). And yet the calculator has also reported that in return for this investment I have received a total of £103.20p so far.

What part of £4,000,000 does £103.20p look like to you exactly?

How can you not be in violation of trades descriptions laws?

Therefore I am now giving you formal notice of my intention to leave your service, and I will send my business to your competitor Gala Bingo.

So if you will return what you still owe me (£3,999,896.80p) we can close this matter on good terms. If you do not return the money you owe me in short order, I will have no choice but to consult my lawyer, who is also a barman at the Prince of Wales pub. I am willing to enter discussions on the compensation sum, but can go no less than my absolute minimum of £896.80p, which is the remainder of the money I have invested with you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

Glen.