Work’s Christmas party is coming up fast and for the first time in years I think I might actually be ready for it. This is a shame; because each and every year I generally find the last minute planning for the Christmas party more exciting than the actual doo.
It’s always the same isn’t it? We vaguely remember having a good laugh at something last year and how funny it was when you fell back on the dance floor and knocked the boss over; but we forget the rest of it.
So much joviality is ensuing around the office as we discuss what it will be like. It’s only a matter of time before someone asks me if I’m doing the Caterpillar ( it was once about 8 years ago and not even at the Christmas doo). However I may have to do a bit of Robot dancing again as there are rules after all.
Usually I wind up having a bit of a dance and then sitting round clutching wine and feeling out of place. I don’t really mix very well with Management, Salesmen, Women or Computer boffins so that really only leaves a handful of people to talk to.
The people I get on with are generally the engineers and generally they just want to stand, drink, letch at the ladies, and talk about sport. I know nothing about football or cricket and so soon find myself out of depth with the conversation. The result of this lack of knowledge is that I wind up looking like a nearly 40 year old overweight married man stood just outside of a group of men looking at ladies.
Then I start feeling self conscious and so I opt to go and dance. Most of my actual friends at work are proper men though so they only dance in the last half hour when their beer feet have caught the rhythm. So I have to try and sidle onto the dance floor waving at a fictional friend to stop people thinking I’m on my own and then dance about trying to convince everyone that I was with them to start with.
Small groups of my female colleagues marvel as suddenly they appear to have picked up Metal Mickey as a dance partner and this can sometimes make them laugh and hold their attention for a whole song. When the next song is half way through and my dancing style is still identically robotic though, the joke wanes and they suddenly get thirsty and leave. Now I’m stood in a gap between dancing groups and have to make a fast decision about who will take pity on me and let me in.
So I join the Salesmen who are all mysteriously full of energy and fun considering it’s only water that they appear to be drinking. Which is fine except they are all over 6 feet tall and don’t really know who I am anyway; they uncomfortably let me into the group but then just pretend that I’m not there. The other option had been the PA’s and Directors group though so I happily put up with the situation.
Eventually I get fed up of pretending to like people and take refuge on a table on my own with a beer or some wine for a bit. Eventually I’ll re group with my mates and talk about nothing at all which is always nice, maybe we will make some top level alcohol induced decisions on how the company should be run – who knows?
Lastly it’s the cold walk to find a kebab and somewhere to sleep. In previous years I’ve slept under my desk and this is really rubbish but you wind up having a laugh with the other guys all doing the same. This year I’ve planned ahead and got a hotel, so I’ll be more comfortable but the camaraderie will be lost.
None the less I put my Dinner Jacket in the dry cleaners today after finding it screwed up and dirty from last years Christmas party at the back of the wardrobe and am quite looking forward to wearing it. There are some decent people working at our place so it’s not all that bad hanging out with them for a bit and besides there should be some free ale & food on (I may not know about sport but I do know about how to freeload beer and pies). Also we are booked in at The London Dungeon this year so it could be quite fun as it’s a little different to the static events marquee that we usually wind up in.
Apparently Chelsea FC are Ok as are Manchester United so I have to decide which of those to support this season? I’m doing some research ready to try and hold some better conversations. Does anyone know any useful football related points I could raise to make myself seem knowledgeable?
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