leaving your kids alone for 5 minutes?

Is it really only my children who cannot be left alone for 5 minutes without a fight breaking out?

I feel like how I imagine it must be for a UN official sitting in a room alongside a handful of Soldiers and some Greenpeace members. Everything is absolutely fine but the UN guy is bursting for the loo. What does he do? Eventually he tells the Greenpeace people to quietly sit and do some drawing whilst advising the Soldiers to compare tattoos for a couple of minutes and then he runs up the stairs to the toilet. You can bet that before he’s managed to get his trousers down the shouting will have started.

As a parent you are constantly working out the ‘Fox, Chicken & Grain’ enigma. You know the one, take the fox and the grain over first, return with the fox then take the chicken over … no wait a minute, take the chicken and the fox over and return with the fox and then take the grain over… no hang on – got it! Take the chicken and the grain, return with the chicken and then take the fox over. Return with nothing and then take the chicken – phew. The point is that as long as the chicken isn’t left alone with the fox or the grain then all is well. Personally I always felt that as the chicken was clearly the trouble maker then just leave it behind. Actually why can’t you just take the fox and grain over and then go back for the chicken? Do Foxes eat grain? Never mind – you see the point.

That’s how things are with my boys often. I spend so much time sat in a huddle with my Wife discussing tactics to solve a conundrum about some otherwise trivial job that needs doing. A lack of preparation could inevitably result in the boys being occasionally left in a room without one of us in it. If Jo is upstairs with Henry the Hoover can I be outside hanging out the washing? How long will it take to hang the washing – more than five minutes? What if Jo takes Jamie and gets him to count the pillows and I get Daniel to hold the peg box? Dishing out chores is a good idea but fraught with more issues than it can solve. They have to be asked separately to do these chores because if one finds out what the other is doing then he will want that job instead. Daniel will want the pillow job, Jamie will want the pegs. Ask them which they want to do and prepare for a long wait as each one holds out with steely determination to see who will break first and declare a preference. The instant one breaks (usually Daniel because he is determined to get his choice) and shouts up an answer the other one goes into meltdown trying to get that choice for themselves.

The answer is to take them separately to one side. I offer them a choice of job as discussed but it goes like this…

“Daniel, I need you two to help with some jobs; do you want to come and help me hang out the washing or do you want to tidy your room?”

“I’ll help with the washing!”

Then I’ll take Jamie over somewhere else…

“Jamie, I need you two to help with some jobs; do you want to help Mum upstairs with the vacuuming or do you want to tidy your room?”

All Jo or I have to do is wait until one of them pops to the toilet and spend the 1 minute that it would take to tidy their room up (compared to the hour of screaming and fuss that actually trying to get them to do it creates) and the rouse is complete! Both boys separate and help (ish) with the jobs and both feel really happy that they have won. They won’t actually say anything to each other afterwards but will just sit smirking smugly.

It so often does not work but it’s all I’ve got. There are only so many combinations you can try to keep them apart without one of us being in the same room. It only takes a moment’s lack of concentration and we have a WWF frenzy in the living room!