Mistakes – I’ve made a few. Here are a few lessons that I have learned the hard way about surviving the London Underground
If you are boarding a train at a main train line station in evening rush hour and you are not a rugby hooker with the full scrum propping you up, do not remain stood directly in the centre of the opening doors.
If you have locked on to an up coming empty seat and make a go for it, try to remember that whilst a slight hesitation will lose you the seat, not even taking a second glance before sitting down could result in the large bottomed lady who was a millisecond behind you, landing on your lap.
Never ask a young lad with a posse of friends which side of the circle line to get on to get to your destination the short way.
Unless she has a very clearly defined ‘bump’ never offer a fat girl your seat.
Finchley Road Tube station is NOT in Finchley.
Do not panic and shout at the ‘driver’ of the DLR to come back when he gets up from his seat and walks off mid journey.
Always check that the oddly empty seat surrounded by people stood up hasn’t been weed on before jumping in it with a smug look of satisfaction.
When visiting London with your wife, do not assume she has also spotted that the doors are about to shut and is therefore right behind you as you jump on.