Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Is ‘Foot in Mouth Syndrome’ a genuine medical condition? If it is then it’s a dead cert that I have it. It’s not exactly full blown Tourettes but the inevitability of my left foot finding it’s way into my face has to be called something, perhaps it could be called Toerettes. I think that the probable cure could be a six month stint as one of Chris Moyles’ breakfast show sidekicks. Every time you failed to laugh at his joke or you asked him if he was going to play some music instead of talking about himself, he would press a button and you get an electric shock; some say this cure is already being tested and has been for years.

I’ve always had this affliction, when I was 17 I went to a party and bumped into a girl I hadn’t seen since school. She was looking pretty good, when I knew her before she was always far too skinny for my liking. I genuinely meant it as a compliment then, when I told her that a bit of extra meat on her looked good and that I was glad she had put a few pounds on. The drop kick from her friend took me quite by surprise and completely through the doorway, how was I to know she had only recently come out of hospital having been force fed as part of an Anorexia treatment.

I’ve mentioned before in 'meeting Susan Boyle' how my mouth is more than happy to run independently to my brain. Apparently my mouth is only a sub contractor and occasionally does jobs for other parts of my body or for itself. The ability to completely offend and upset perfectly decent people without any intention or malice whatsoever is a curse that I’ve had to come to terms with. Years ago I asked a waitress how she had managed to get the massive shiner that had blacked out her eye, both the horrified look on my wife’s face and the look of sheer confusion on the waitress’ face failed to register in my head’s firewall so I happily pressed on. “Your black eye? Did you have an accident or caught with your best mate’s man?” The slow dawn of realization coupled with a lifetime’s worth of resentment came as she explained that it was a birthmark, would never mess with a friends man and shouldn’t I consider having a salad instead of packing on some more fat?

I was joking about once, trying to convince a girl that my mate Darren was a much better prospect for her than the man she was already talking too. I figured she should consider it at least. Without slowing to let my anti-mouth filters check on what might follow, I explained quite earnestly that she would be much better off taking Darren home instead of the competition because the competition “is clearly gay”. This one was what I call a double footer because I had no idea who this man was or what things upset him, I hadn’t even noticed him really, I also had no idea what things might upset her. I had no desire to offend anyone, I certainly didn’t think that he was actually gay and nor do I think that it’s something to be offended about if he was, but I clearly should think these things through. My mouth had got me in trouble again and this time it was not going to be pretty. He deflated and just withdrew into himself, she went absolutely berserk. One massive rant later and the picture was clearer, apparently after 3 months of trying to pluck up the courage, he had finally managed to come out to his Sister only a few hours earlier, how on Earth was I supposed to guess she was his Sister anyway?